Best laugh I've had in months

Someone sent me this video and I had to watch it several times to get the whole thing, but it is hilarious. I am not talking about the actual events on the screen but the voiceovers. I can actually see this happening somewhere in Glendale. The scene being Movses Bakery on Glenoaks makes it that much more real. Enjoy.

Weekend @ Bernie's

This past weekend I had the kids all to myself. MLW was out of town and there was anxiety as to whether I could handle them by myself. Basically, I had:

Friday drop-off and pick-up

Saturday Soccer

Sunday ... ummm, something

My anxiety was mostly about Sunday. If there's a plan, I can rally the troops and pass the time until/after the event. But when I have to come up with the activity ....

Glad to report that all went well. Even Sunday was a breeze, because the girls didn't want to leave the house. PERFECT! Walk around in PJ's all day, eat, play together, no problem. A little snag, when dad goes stir crazy in the afternoon and needs to leave the house.

So I finally coaxed them out with promise of ice cream "because they were bari/pari". We go to Montrose and have our ice creams (coffee for me), draw pictures, play with straws, etc. Basically, half an hour of me just sitting on my ass and them playing nicely in the store. Then we walk back to the car, cross the parking lot, climb into the car, then S says "peepee ouneem". Now, I'm trying to determine/negotiate whether she can hold it until we get home. No go.

So we climb out, cross the parking lot, and get back into the store. Bathroom's in the back and at least it's clean and large. S pees, while G stands there without touching anything! Amazing!!! Buuuut, when S is done, G wants to sit and pee. Mind you, she's 2 and isn't potty trained, but she has to copy everything, and there's no way I can talk her out of it. I got her situated on the seat and she pees her 3cc's of "yeah, das right. I can pee" pee.

As I said, no major issues. Just a little frustrating when you have this plan in your head and don't get to do it on your timetable. I have learned to just go with the flow. Do I care if G wants to pee, too? No. Are we late for something? No. Is she going to hurt herself by peeing? No, unless she falls in the toilet (which would be funny).

Very boring story, but I wanted to get back in to the blogging groove. I hope to spice it up a little more soon.

Lost, again!

So I got caught up on Lost, all the way to the beginning of Season 5. I figured I could watch the episodes on abc.com. BUUUUUT, they don't have ALL the episodes from season 5 on their site; only the last few of the season.

Damn!

FOUND!

I found out that I can watch Lost on demand on Netflix. We already have the basic subscription for one DVD out at a time, but they let you watch some stuff on-demand, even when you have a movie out. What's even better? No commercials. Great business model, guys!

So screw ABC. Now my browser has a Netflix bookmark.

Lost

So I'm not totally up on pop culture, but who can blame a dad of 2. But I was well on my way to becoming totally with-it. How? Well, I'll tell you my secret. For the past couple of months, I've been catching up on Lost. That's right! The ABC series that has been on air for about 5 seasons.

abc.com has a viewer where I could watch all the back episodes of Lost whenever I desired. I had seen most of the episodes from season 1, but season 2 and onward were totally blank.

So there I am, being a great consumer and watching the 3 minutes of total advertisements from Tylenol, Aquafresh, Target, and Jack-in-the-Box with my almost-daily dose of Lost. Then today, I go to catch up on Season 3, episode 6 and what do I see? Nothing!!!!

Only season 1 and 5 are now available. No apologies, no site under construction, nothing! Is this how ABC treats loyal freeloaders? I even participated in a couple of surveys they threw at me, just to be nice and give something back to them. Man, that's cold.

I'm hoping that it's only a programming error and someone will fix it soon. But if it isn't, please tell me where I can get the remaining episodes of season 3 and 4. This is how companies encourage piracy. If you left the episode up on your site, made people register, offer them other shows they may like, and basically use them as marketing extensions, we would all be happy.

But, NO! You have to go and yank that stuff off the site and now I have no way of watching it other than a) buying the DVD's (not gonna happen) or b) watch a pirated episode off BearShare or the like.

Still can't believe it.

Yo quiero sanity

It is the summer of celebrity deaths. It started about a month ago and it has not relented, much like the heat in LA. Ed, Farrah, MJ, then it was off to the animals; Billy :P Most recently the chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials.

What the hell is going on? Don't we have enough newsworthy events in the world that the death of a rat-dog makes the cut at NPR? Yes, everyone needs a little human interest story now and again to feel grateful about our lives. As MLW says every time there's news of sick children/people, "eencher gahn". But I don't need news of a dead rat-dog to make me feel good.

So NPR, please stick with Susan Stamberg reporting on really stupid human interest stories - and I can't believe she was anchoring Morning Edition for all that time - and leave the animal deaths to Fox (no pun intended).

Don't get me started on Susan Stamberg. Story for another time.

Fatherly bias

Glendale offers swimming classes in the summertime to residents - for a nominal fee, I might add. We signed up both girls for several sessions. S is pretty good for her age (4.5) and is in a class with 6 and 7 year olds. She still has to work on her technique, but she can actually swim 10-15 feet, unassisted.

I watched the class go through its routine, and I was proud of S's confidence and comfort in the water. I'm sure my pride was even more pumped when I noticed one of the boys in class swimming as gracefully as an anchor, while my princess seemed to glide through the pool like a dolphin.

It's the little things that make you appreciate what you have. I won't trade that for anything.

Whatevah!

I post with a little trepidation. Mostly, because I fear some might think this a farce, but I assure you that what I'm about to say is true. I started watching Whatever Martha, and I like it! I realize that this is yet another way that MSLO traps people in its web, but I don't care. For those who don't know the show, it's basically MST3K where it's all Martha, all the time.

There are people out there who think Martha is this godlike person. Alexis and Jennifer bring her down to earth and point out that she's human just like us. Well most of us. These girls are funny only because they make fun of Martha. Period. They are not comedians and I bet they would be totally boring to hang out with.

OK now you know what kinda shows ArmoDad is watching nowadays.

Back again?

I can't believe it's been over 6 months since my last post. It's certainly not from lack of material. There is so much fodder just walking around the neighborhood. Mostly, it's lack of time and mental focus that has prevented me from putting finger to keyboard.

I am really enjoying the summer so far. We've been to the beach with the kids several times. We bought a 10x10 canopy with UV protection so the kids can hang out under it. It's a bit awkward to put up, but it does a great job. Even comes in a wheeled tote bag.

I hope to have more time to pound out a couple of funny posts in the near future.

Haircut part 2

The thing is that I have to get my hair cut. There's no way around it. So I ventured out to the same SuperCuts, expecting the worst. I'll give you the Amazon review:
Pros: Lady asked me how I wanted my hair cut, how to trim the neck, offered no gel.
Cons: Wasted a whole hour waiting and getting a cut.

I used to be able to spend a good hour reading Sports Illustrated back in College. It could've been because I was procrastinating writing a paper, studying for an exam, or something of that nature. But the most recent issue didn't cut it. The MLS Cup, CC Sabathia, the Steelers vs Pats pick, even No QB offense. That was the best it.

I rummaged through the magazine bin and was thinking about Glamor, but they called my name. I guess my make-over has to wait another couple of months.

A Snail's pace

I'm really into teaching my children new things. I like the way their eyes light up when they discover an object or a new way of doing something. I think some of the most fascinating stuff is just in your backyard. Luckily, here in Glendale, we have quite a huge backyard.

Yesterday was our first Thanksgiving dinner here. As I was going to get the hose spout to wash down the outdoor furniture, I noticed a little snail crawling across the brick walkway in the backyard. S was out with me and she was playing with her tricycle in the driveway. I called her over to show her the snail and told her that it doesn't have a shell like the pictures she has seen in the books.

She was very interested in the little thing and asked me a bunch of questions. Then she said "...and we can't touch it because it's yucky." or something like that. I told her that she could touch it if she wanted to but then she'd have to go wash her hands. As she sat there on the walk, she extended her finger and touched the snail very gently. "Slimy eh". I agreed and told her to go wash up.

I then continued on toward the hose. The stupid nozzle was on too tight. So I went back into the garage and got a wrench. I went back to the hose, undid the nozzle, and walked back to the garage and put the wrench back.

As I was coming out of the garage, I realized that the snail was still on the path and I wasn't careful about NOT stepping on it when I was going back and forth. ... Just then, S came back from inside, having washed her hands. "Oor eh khekhounjuh". Flat as a pancake under my sneakers?

I told her that it had crawled into the lawn and had gone home. Upon investigating whereabouts of the snail, she came across the tail-end of its remnants. Oh, a little snail. Yup, but it's sleeping now, so don't wake it up.

I love my kids. They are both smart and personable. Above all, they love learning new things from their old man. Even if I tell them a white lie every now and then.

iPod-itty

I managed to upload all the 300+ CD's I had onto my iPod last year. It took me a while, but I was very pleased with the clutter that the iPod replaced. I have created a playlist for S and play it often for the kids. On occasion, I let the thing go nuts on random, playing jazz, rap, metal, and whatever else I have on there.

As background: I call S my little monkey. About a year ago, while the iPod was on free-flow mode, Brass Monkey by the Beastie Boys came on. Although not a song in her repertoire, S recognized the word "monkey" in the lyrics and took a liking to the song. Ever since, she asks for me to put on "Chunky Monkey" on the iPod. What happens is that I select "Licensed to Ill" and Brass Monkey and we proceed to dance to it.

Last night was another Chunky Monkey night, but this time S had her drum that she had made in pre-school. It's basically a formula can with some stuff that she glued on during their music session. So she starts banging on the drum, dancing and having a merry old time. Of course, I have to play the song at least 5 times, before it's ok for the random function to select the next song on the album.

The next song that came on was Girls. S told me to stop the music. As I did, she ran out of the room and I could tell she was rummaging in her room. I went after her to see what was up. She told me she's looking for her xylophone!!! Can you believe that? She likened the beginning notes of the song to a xylophone and wanted to play along. This kid's a genius, I tells ya.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about...


It makes a papa proud. sniff...

Brush with Greatness

I don't know if any of you remember the old David Letterman show on NBC. That was when he was on at 12:30 after Carson. He had some great skits with Chris Elliot and Larry Bud Melman. He also had a section, similar to Know Your Cuts of Meat, that he called Brush with Greatness but it was not scripted and people were more believable. It was basically people telling their stories of how they accidentally met someone famous, someone famous gave them the finger, so silly things like that.

So my brush with greatness occurred last Saturday night at the AYF reunion dance in Montabello. I was talking to a friend from the east coast, when this pudgy guy walks behind me and says hi to the person I was talking to. Then he keeps on walking. You know who the pudgy guy was? Ken Davitian. And for all of you who are too lazy to click on the hyperlink, he's Borat's sidekick.

So there you have it. I'm in LA less than 2 months and famous actors are saying hi to people that I'm chatting up. I know I'll be beating up the paparazzi staking my house soon. That's because Nicole Richi lives up the street from me. All I got in New York City was the bum on the stoop of the Russian church asking me for change every Saturday and Sunday. You've come a long way, baby!

For all you new readers of Armodad (there's at least 1 of you), if you didn't get the sarcasm in the above paragraph, please re-read it and roll your eyes as you're doing so. That should give you the full effect.

Drowning in "culture"

I have visited LA many, many times and I don't mean as a tourist. I had done grocery shopping, both at the chains as well as the mom & pop Arme stores. So it wasn't like I didn't know that shopkeepers and the people they hire converse in Armenian as their main trade language.

I have to preface this post by reiterating that I grew up on the east coast and, although fluent in Armenian, I conduct business in English. Unless I know that the person across the counter does not understand a word I'm saying. I get it that the person who has opened a deli and sells lavash or ghormeh sabzee may not necessarily be as comfortable with English as I.

But my recent experience at Supercuts has stuck with me. Like many people living in Glendale, I need to get my haircut from time to time. I don't need a fancy-shmancy salon to cut my hair. The Puerto Rican lady around the corner in NY did a great job and I figured Supercuts would be as good. Being new to the area, I looked up the nearest location on the web. Glendale Ave in Glendale (the double whammy), less than 3 miles from our home.

Let me back into the data here. Of the almost 200K residents of Glendale, 46% are non-white. If we then say that half of the rest are Armenian, we can safely asy that at least 25% of the city's population is Armo. Even simpler, if a while guy walks into you store, there's a 50-50 chance he's Armo.

So there I am walking into Supercuts and giving my REAL name. Odds are looking better for Supercuts lady to guess my ethnic origin. I get a copy of last decade's Sports Illustrated and start reading about how Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France.

"Armodad, jahn?"

I lookup, thinking that a friend/relative that I haven't seen since I was 8 has come into Supercuts and has recognized me. This was pre Halloween Freakout, but it could happen. It's the haircut lady! Quick, quick. Do I know this woman? Did she recognize me from my blog picture (LOL, ROTF)?

Nothing's registering. I get up and walk to the chair. She has obviously engaged me in Armenian, so what do I do? She asks me how I want my hair cut (in Armenian). I tell her number 3 on the sides and even out the top. I had to force it out in Armenian. What the hell?! I double check the sign on the door: "SUPERCUTS" not Armocuts, not Supermahz, nor anything like that. Whatever, go with the flow, dude. This is Cali...

Don't want to get into the conversation, but luckily it was minimal. I missed the Puerto Rican lady who speaks very little English. "You like numero tres on side. ¿No?" Then silence for 10 minutes. "okay". Love it!

The Supercuts lady actually does a good job, but she's not done. She takes a fistfull of jell and is coming towards me.

Armodad: No jell, please
Supercut Lady: No jell?
A: No
S: ok

She then wipes of most of the jell on a towel and then runs her fingers through my hair before I can say anything. I wonder if she would have done that if this had been NY, Boston OR if I was not Armenian. My guess is probably not.

What is up with that, people. Anyone care to comment?

Freaky Halloween story

Everyone has been telling us about Halloween on Kenneth Road. "It's huge!", "a big deal", "tons of people" they said. So I got 5 bags of candy instead of the usual 4. The 5th being a bag of Whoppers which I like. We're ready to go with S dressed as Cinderella and G as a frog. I decided to stay home and dole out the candy.

As a side note, Halloween is my least favorite commercial holiday. It's not because of the candy, the scary masks, or the death-centric theme of the whole day. It boils down to the fact that I'm a lazy bastard and don't want to get up every 2 minutes to answer the door bell. ESPECIALLY, when the older kids make no effort to get creative with their costumes; and I'm even less tolerant of the slackers who just show up with a pillowcase and a Freddy Kruger mask. At least wear a fucking striped shirt to show me you care. Horizontal stripes, you moron!!!

Kenneth Road on Halloween is like the Vegas strip on a weekend. No joke. A lot of scary/ugly looking people walking around with their kids. I even saw 2 Elvises (or is that Elvi). Needless to say we ran out of candy. I was going to go out trick-or-treating with S again just to get some more candy. Not to give out, silly, but to keep for me!

The road was packed. People drive here to go trick or treating. That's really lame! C'mon folks. Too cheap to make your own neighborhood attractive for ONE evening? So there are cars all over the place and this guy is blocking my driveway just as our guests are leaving. When I approach the car to ged rid of him, he says "Hey Armodad! How are you doing?" It's someone who I hadn't seen in over 10 years. We were good friends growing up in Boston, but then he moved away and I moved 3 times after that. What are the chances of that happening? Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaky!

... OK, so he's Armo, too, and I now live in the middle (Northwest actually) of Armoville, CA. I suppose the odds aren't that off (7:5, maybe 5:3). Happy day after Halloween. Go wipe the chocolate off the keyboard.

Moving nightmare

Very appropriate title for Halloween. It's been a month since our stuff got to our place in Glendale. Well, almost all. It seems that the movers decided that we really did not need 3 physical checks and $8000. These bozos/thieves/good-for-nothings took these checks from 2 different check books and wrote themselves a couple of bonuses worthy of Wall Street (comparatively).

Luckily, I caught this and was able to get the bank to return the money to us, but the pure audacity of them doing this just pisses me off. Dealing with the bank was actually not that bad. I couldn't imagine saying this about Bank ofAmerica, but they provided good service in this aspect. I still have very little respect for BofA, but when it comes to fraud they know their shit.

I had to close my accounts and open new ones, get new checks, ATM cards, blah blah. And throughout I was glad that my bank was a national bank and I could visit any branch and take care of business. WRONG!!!

It seems that BofA is a loose federation of regional banks that operate under the BofA name. Which means that if you open an account in MA or NY you can't really close it in CA. The branch personnel are more than happy to call customer service for you tho'. I could have done that myself from home, in my underwear.

Remember when you opened a checking account and they had you fill out a signature card? They had me do that again for my new account!!! What's this for? Did anyone check my signature card when these crooks helped themselves to my money? Do you want to hear the response? "Well, no. Only if they come into this branch and try to cash a check." Are you fucking serious? What are the chances that someone is ging to steal a check and walk into the exact BofA branch that you opened your account?

With all the technology available to banks nowadays, you'd think they would scan my signature card and transmit it automatically to the screen of the teller that's about to hand over my money to a redneck from WV. But, Nooooooooo.

I coud go on and on about how these inept institutions are also getting a piece of my tax money because they are greedy little fuckers. Now I(we all) have to bail them out. Apparantly, the stupid monthly fees they charge me was wasted on their "investments" in CDS's or MBS's. Good going guys.

That's it for now, but I'll be back.

It's been a while

OK folks. I'm sorry to have let you down. It's been over a month since my last post, but I can totally explain. I moved cross country, started a new job, rented a house, not to mention that the Red Sox are still hanging on by the skin of their teeth in the play-offs. So as you see, I have good excuses for not even logging on to my blog.

I have a lot of material stored in the past month and I'll try to post somewhat regularly to catch up. I'm still in the comparison mode and hopefully it'll be good fodder for posts.

We'll see.

Step 1

We have selected the movers. I am already sick of thinking about the move and how much I am going to get screwed by anyone we pick. So Harrington Movers are going to pack and move us. They are part of National Van Lines. Bottom line is that MLW and I felt that they were going to screw us less.

After spending close to 30 minutes on the phone with a Mayflower affiliate in NY, I came to the conclusion that the estimate that anyone of these companies provides is basically complete BS. They either lowball you trying to get the business and then they stick it to you with "well, you never told us that you use these closets to store actual stuff" or they estimate high and give you a 1% discount at the end.

At the moment, I'm planning on asking for the exact weight of my shipment to try and minimize our pain. Let's see how successful I'll be. rest assured that there will be more posts regarding this, including any flaming of Harrington and its owner Jeff, who actually did the estimate.

I want a reality show

With our move to the west coast, I think I deserve a reality show. It seems like everyone living in SoCal has a reality show -- Snoop Dog, Kardashians, even housewives in OC -- so why not Armodad? As a side business, viewers can bet on what Armodad will do next. Odds on the cable guy showing up on time: 10 to 1. Odds Armodad will lose it when his internet doesn't work: 7 to 5.

Now you don't see that on American Idol. Of course Armodad will be the house, so it's a revenue stream for the show and there will be actual winners to keep the audience coming back.

I won't feel like I'm a true Angelino unless I get my reality show. So what are you waiting for Hollywood? You can start with the move as a pilot.

Moved by moving

Since 2001, I have moved 4 times and am about to move once again. Initially, I get really excited about it; planning the logistics, picturing myself in the new surroundings, and beginning a new chapter in my life. All very nice things. But as I get closer to the move itself, I begin to feel the same way when one stares up at the night sky full of stars.

When you move, you're forced to put all your belongings in boxes, inventory and number them. You get rid of things that you couldn't even remember getting in the first place. You have to make "life or death" decisions about objects and belongings; do they continue to live with you or have they given all they have. Your stuff shrinks and fits in boxes. It then gets loaded up into a truck and pulls away.

Does my life really fit in a U-Haul? Is that all I have to show for myself? That feeling lasts only for a couple of hours or beers, whichever comes first. I soon remind myself that the stuff needs to get un-packed at the other end. Oh boy! I hate unpacking.